Help! My Child Refuses to Attend School!

"I need help! My 9 year old daughter has started resisting school. She misses several days every week, complaining of tummy or head aches. When I try to talk to her she screams and cries. She acts as if she's terrified to go."

You have to be firm with her, and not try to just wait it out. If she misses too much school, she will never go back.

At the same time, recognize that her anxiety and distress are genuine. Getting angry at her will not work.

Try to work out if her fear is about going to school (school phobia), leaving you or home (separation anxiety), or going into crowded public places (agoraphobia).

Talk with her teachers. She might be having trouble on the way to school such as bullying, embarrassment, or abused. These things could also be happening once she gets to school. Identify the problems so that you can work with her on them.

Make a doctor appointment for a complete examination. Explain the whole situation to him so he can look for serious illness.

If he rules out an illness, then believe what he says. Don't have a lot of expensive tests. Assume that your child is physically well and needs to go to school. Keep assuring her firmly and confidently that she'll be fine (and so will you) once she arrives. If she still claims of physical ailments, you have two options;

The first is that you insist that she go to school unless there is clear, measurable, evidence that she is sick, for example having a temperature, obvious diarrhea and vomiting, etc. Just "feeling unwell" is not enough to miss school, after all, many adults have to go to work with headaches or other symptoms.

Option two is to believe what she says. If she claims to be too sick to attend school, then she is too sick to be up at home. Make sure she gets into bed. Turn off the lights, close the curtains, don't let her watch TV and don't bring her any snacks. Just maintain your daily routine. Make staying home a complete bore. If she isn't asleep then she could be doing her homework. She definitely shouldn't have friends visit.

You can also establish some rewards for going to school.

Be firm and remain calm. Let her know that you expect her to go to school, but don't argue with her if she resists. The goal her is for her to want to go back to school. Once she goes and finds out that she's fine, her previous symptoms should disappear.

If these techniques don't work and you think she may be seriously depressed or anxious, then find professional help by asking your family doctor for a referral.

About the Author

More information on how to solve children's behavioral problems is available from Dr. Noel Swanson's website, which is all about correcting Child Behavior Problems.

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